I can’t even cry anymore, I barely feel anything, except this resignation, frustration, but also acceptance. I accept, that I can neither change you nor your behavior. But this feeling of feeling nothing, it’s even worse than how I used to feel as a child after an argument. I am so used to your words, they barely hurt. They just go straight into that deep, black wound like hole in my heart. It’s like they don’t even cross my brain, I don’t understand them, but I feel them. I feel my heart ripping and the hole getting bigger. It hurts. But another kind of pain. It’s the deep kind. The crippling kind. It makes me sit still, unable to move, my eyes zooming out, staring into nowhere. In this moments, I feel and think everything but nothing at the same time. It feels horrible, like I’m not myself. I try to get myself back to feeling something, my head tells me to do stuff I don’t want to do. I don’t want to hurt myself. I can resist. But I don’t know how long. How long will those push up’s and chin up’s until failure still satisfy that need to feel something? I crave the pain. I crave it so bad sometimes. These thoughts of hurting myself, they scare me. But even worse is that desire to hurt you. To give back the pain that you cause, almost every fucking time I talk to you. I love u. But I don’t feel loved, it’s getting less and less. I am your daughter, not more, not less. But that’s all. I feel like you love me as your daughter, yes. But not me. Not the real me, me as a person, my flaws, my personality, me.

I wish u loved me more. Maybe then I would love myself more too. Maybe then I could stop searching for love and affection and acceptance in every other person that just shows me a spark of attention.

I just want u to love me. Is that to much?